Things That Make Me Smile...

Some guy wrote some "rules" about waiting tables, and then I wrote something.

Do not interrupt a conversation. For any reason. Especially not to recite specials. Wait for the right moment.
Even if that moment is 45 minutes after they arrive.

Do not recite the specials too fast or robotically or dramatically. It is not a soliloquy. This is not an audition.
Unless he's an agent.

Do not hustle the lobsters. That is, do not say, "We only have two lobsters left." Even if there are only two lobsters left.
Sell the lobsters even when they're gone.

Handle wine glasses by their stems and silverware by the handle.
Unless you have no hands and have to use your mouth.

When you ask, "How's everything?" or "How was the meal?" listen to the answer and fix whatever is not right.
Even if it's their personal relationships, fix fix fix!

Never serve anything that looks creepy or runny or wrong.
Unless the special is "Creepy chicken with runny potatoes"

Make sure the glasses are clean. Inspect them before placing them on the table.
Hire someone to be the official glass inspector.

Never let the wine bottle touch the glass into which you are pouring. No one wants to drink the dust or dirt from the bottle.
Because that's where we keep the wine, in a dust dirt bin.

Never remove a plate full of food without asking what went wrong. Obviously, something went wrong.
Or they were full? Being full is wrong.

Never touch a customer. No excuses. Do not do it. Do not brush them, move them, wipe them, or dust them.
Even if there are killer bees or a dust storm.

Do not bang into chairs or tables when passing by.
Open your eyes when walking.

Do not eat or drink in plain view of guest.
Just sit down with them.

Never say, "Good choice," implying that other choices are bad.
"Good choice sir, everyone else is dumb," Will work.

Never mention what your favorite dessert is. It is irrelevant.
Unless they're writing your biography, then it's relevant.

Never acknowledge any one guest over and above any other. All guests are equal.
Unless Jesus is there, obviously.

Do not ask what someone is eating or drinking when they ask for ore, remember or consult the order.
Because you are a server and a mind reader.

Do not let guests double order unintentionally, remind the guest who orders ratatouille that zucchini comes with the entree.
Unless they love zucchini. Zucchini forever.

Never blame the chef or the busboy or the hostess or the weather for anything that goes wrong. Just make it right.
"Yes this zombie attack is annoying but your mac and cheese is on its way out."

Specials, spoken and printed, should always have prices.
We want people to know how much money their wasting.

Do not reach across one guest to serve another.
Sitting in the corner? Hope you like being hungry.

Never stack the plates on the table. They make a racket. Shhhh.
You are obviously working in a library.

Do not disappear.
Unless you're a magician, then it's cool.

If you drip or spill something, clean it up, replace it, offer to pay for whatever damage you may have caused. Refrain from touching the wet spot on the guest.
Unless they ask for help, then touch them everywhere, wet or not.

If a few people signal for the check, find a neutral place on the table to leave it.
Just throw it in the air and let it land on the table.

If someone is getting agitated or effusive on a cellphone, politely suggest he keep it down or move away from other guests, and get the fuck out.

Never play a radio station with commercials or news or talking of any kind.
Because world events are stupid.

Do not play an entire CD of any artist. If someone doesn't like Frightened Rabbit or Michael Buble, you have just ruined a meal.
Unless it is a Michael Buble themed restaurant.

Guests, like servers, come in all packages. Show a "good table"  your appreciation with a free glass of port, a plate of biscotti or something else management approves.
Just give away free shit, who really cares?

Otherwise I've had another lovely day off full of packing, cleaning, and Homeland watching. I'm so hooked right now. Can we move already :)