Simple.

[January 7th 2012]

I like simple girls like you.

How could have just been saying it, and I'm sure he just was, but it makes me think. That's exactly what we all are. Under all of it, the clothes, makeup, and smiles, that's what we all are: Simple. We all want the simple things. Just a simple meal, a simple relationship, a simple thought. We all just want things to work out, we all want something and we don't mind working for it. But we never outwardly want the simple. We know what we want, but we settle for the hard and out of reach. We convince ourselves that it's ok and say we don't care but then we cry and think it's our fault. Of course it is partly our fault, cause we didn't listen to our head when we knew the outcome.

Simple doesn't have to be boring or lame, simple just has to be what we honestly want.

Like everything else I've ever wanted, the chase, the dream, is always better then the reality of it. I'm not sorry I fell in the rabbit hole. I'm just sorry that I let myself get this deep. I should have looked down into it, smiled, and kept looking for one that didn't have so many roots on the way down. Of course I'll smile, keep the pretty face on, but I'm climbing out.

I feel like I cheated on myself. I cheated myself out of time and thoughts and a few tears. I feel like I have to forgive a part of myself for all this.

Dear Mackenzie,

To the girl that has done such a great job in making herself so wonderful. To the girl who has always known who she is, and how to handle everything. I'm sorry I let you down and made you think this was a good idea. I'm sorry that I didn't see the bigger picture and stop myself from hitting that wall that we saw the moment we got into the car. But I can change. I've seen the error of my ways and hopefully have learned something from all of this. I've learned that no matter how bad you want something, it doesn't change what's in front of you. It doesn't change the stars in the sky or the color of his eyes. The stars are always gonna be bright and his eyes are always gonna be blue.

I know you're not mad you're just a little bit sad about it all, and that's ok, let's be sad. The rest of the day we're gonna be sad and then tomorrow everything starts new again. We told ourselves that this was our year so let's make sure it's just that, our year.

I love you more then I can put into words, and no matter how many times I screw up (and trust me there will be more) I'm always gonna know who you are, what we've come to do, and that we're gonna get through this. Cause come on, let's face it, we've got so many more dances to dance.

Love, Mackenzie.